Judging Judy

Waiting for classes to start

2010-09-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

I spent most of today wandering around what may very well be the quietest part of campus, searching desperately for food. It made me almost miss the all-girls dorm I stayed at for the past few years. It may have suffered from drunk people giving blow jobs in the parking lot and the constant reek of illegal substances being consumed (inhaled?) from down the hall, but damn it, it was surrounded by places for food. There were at least three or four sushi places (and one good sushi place, which is all you need, really), two Indian restaurants, and a scattered handful of Chinese, Korean, and Thai foodstops. Not to mention a Noodles & Co. right smack dab across the street from the dorm. And a Panera. And some super swanky European place.

I could go on and on about all the food that I was surrounded by, if I was willing to pay for it, and as a hungry underclassman with no real appreciation for money, I was. And there was the ethnic shop I stopped by every week to look longingly at the scarves I wanted but didn't need, and a sex shop I stopped by every month to squeeze the dildos and make small talk with the owner. Even if I sucked at getting to know my hallmates, at least I got to know most every store I was surrounded by. For fuck's sake, I lived in the middle of downtown.

And now? I'm living in maybe the quietest, most deserted part of campus. I have to walk a mile to get to anything edible when the dorm cafeterias are closed, and even when the cafeteria is open, I seem to be utterly inept at finding my way there. My window faces a parking lot, and since the room's halfway underground, I am frequently plagued by fear that someone is going to ride a motorcycle through it. I ate ramen for dinner last night after scrambling back from the boyfriend's place so I could spend the rest of the weekend preparing for classes come Tuesday. I usually don't break into my first pack of ramen until right before midterms.

So I guess I was a little cranky as I tried to finish unpacking last night. The room seemed too small and dingy to be worth the cost and, at the time, it smelled like ramen. Nothing feels very classy when it smells like ramen.

But when I woke up this morning, all I could hear were leaves making that leafy sound in the wind, as opposed to the screaming construction equipment that worked from morning til night right next to my old dorm. And as I tried to find my way to the cafeteria, somewhere between ten and fifteen minutes away, but which still took me an entire hour to arrive at, all I could do was look around and think Huh...TREES. Which, for me, isn't a bad way to start off a day at all.

It also didn't hurt that they were having a barbecue. And had a water slide.

I might just be able to get used to living in the middle nowhere, campus.

* cough *

* knocks on wood *

* duct tapes window shut *

A gift you should keep for yourself

2010-06-22T00:46:00.000-07:00

Before I launch into my review of the exceedingly awesome Kama Sutra Earthly Delights Gift Tin, I'd like to explain that not only am I an extremely frugal person (except for when it comes to certain sparkly eye shadows... *ahem*), I'm also pretty tight fisted. When I was younger, I had, on more than one occasion, decided at the last minute to keep for myself an item purchased as a gift for a friend, classmate, or relative, substituting whatever their intended gift had been with a key chain or similar. It was because the gift was always something better than I had personally ever received myself, and I convinced myself that the intended recipient could never appreciate it as much as I could and therefore, by my reasoning, they did not deserve it as much as I did.

I was a strange kid, let me tell you.

But the point is, if I'd bought this ridiculously luxurious Gift Tin for someone else, say as a wedding gift or likewise, and decided to wiggle it open to check out its contents before wrapping it up in nice paper and giving it away? The bride would've gotten a key chain instead.

As soon as I pulled the heavy, square box (not so much a tin, but no matter) from the shipping package, a wonderfully floral yet woodsy scent filled my tiny room. Upon removing the lid, the scent grew stronger. I wondered if the box itself was perfumed, or if it was emanating from one of the five full-sized products securely packed within. One by one, I unearthed the items: Honey Dust and Feather Applicator, French Vanilla Creme Body Souffle, Spearmint Pleasure Balm, Original Oil of Love, and Sweet Almond Massage Oil. Each item was individually sealed and wrapped in a plastic bag to prevent leakage, with the exception of the feather duster.

Honey Dust and Feather Applicator

It took me a while to realize that the wonderful smell came from this generous pouch of fine, sweet powder. It is packaged in a plastic bag tied off with a twist-tie within a black satin drawstring pouch. Although it does take away from the aesthetic a little bit (who enjoys the crinkling sound of plastic during foreplay? put your hand down), I would recommend leaving the dust inside the plastic bag instead of trying to transfer the dust from bag into pouch, since that simply creates too much potential for disaster for my liking.

Simply opening the plastic bag will cause a little of the dust to become airborne--it is that light and fine--and perfume the air. The included feather applicator uses real feathers, which I'm sure came from perfectly happy birds, but I can't prove that, so if you've got beef with animal products, then steer clear of this one. Simply running the tips of the feathers over the inside of the bag will pick up generous amounts of honey dust, even without dipping the applicator into the bulk of the dust itself.

The first time we used this, my boyfriend lightly dusted me all over above the navel with this lovely stuff. It smelled wonderful and when he went to lick it off, the effect was less like a powdered donut than we'd expected. Instead, it was a very subtle sweetness; just a hint of honey on the skin that wasn't at all overpowering in taste or in smell. He also found that the powder made my skin just a fraction smoother.

In the past, I was paranoid about this type of product, suspecting that it would become sticky in humid weather or with sweat. I now dust it lightly on my neck and collarbone in the morning instead of using perfume, and it hasn't gotten sticky or gross on me yet.

Sweet Almond Massage Oil

The sweet almond massage oil is just that--a massage oil. One that smells strongly of sweet almond, no less, but no special features to this one. It works alright as a massage oil. We needed to apply a little more than we thought was needed, but when a generous amount is used, the oil is great for a regular massage. Even though it's a non-greasy formula, it doesn't absorb too well into the skin, so back rubs with this massage oil are usually followed by showers. This one's scent was actually a bit too strong for my liking, but I'm not a huge fan of the almond scent, so this isn't a surprise or even a real flaw.

Spearmint Pleasure Balm

The pleasure balm comes in a squat tube and comes out as a minty green gel. Now, the last time I tried a minty green gel, it turned out to be expired oral sex gel and gave me an achey throat. This time, however, the flavor was pretty nice--not too strong and not too sweet, just tasty enough to make me eager to try it out while giving him head.

I applied just a tiny amount of the gel to the head of his penis since that's the most sensitive part and it's usually the part they recommend applying stimulating products to. He immediately felt a minty tingle, and afterwards said that his sensations were intensified while receiving head. However, great as it was, he still did not end up finishing in my mouth, as he rarely does, and we finished the night in other ways. I have not tried this balm on myself as it contains glycerin and my girly bits are awfully picky.

French Vanilla Creme Body Souffle

The body souffle comes in a large pot and smells exactly like vanilla frosting. My boyfriend loved it from the moment he sniffed it. He proceeded to stick a finger in and scoop out a fair-sized dollop and put it in his mouth, which I bopped him over the head for. That is not how you're supposed to use it.

You can use the body souffle as a massage creme. It's smooth and creamy and not sticky at all, but absorbs into the skin, making it smooth and pliable to fingers intent on giving a good massage. My boyfriend made a weird face when asked to consider using it for a back rub and then licking my back for taste. In the end, we compromised and I got a front rub instead. The body souffle wasn't an outstanding massage cream, but it didn't suck, either. I smelled like a freshly frosted cookie by the end of it. And the taste? It has a slightly greasy texture, since it's pretty much a thick lotion, with a hint of sweetness. Again, its best feature is its scent.

My boyfriend also complains that it made his mouth numb after licking it all off my breasts, but that's because you ATE A WHOLE DOLLOP BEFOREHAND. But as a heads up, slight numbing may occur, but it wears off within the next ten to twenty minutes.

Original Oil of Love

The Oil of Love came in a glass bottle stopped with a cork, with the neck and cork wrapped in plastic to stop leakage. Even so, some of the oil had made it out past the cork. Had it not been for the plastic bag, the escaped oil could have made a mess of the box's contents.

Disaster averted, we went on to try this massage oil. The Oil of Love is a heating massage oil; it heats with friction, and its temperature rises even more when you blow on it. Remember: hot bedroom breath "haaah", not blowing out a candle breath "hoooo"!

I gave my boyfriend a back rub with this green-tinted oil. It was slightly sticky and gooey, and most people will want to take a shower after using this product. However, it worked wonders on his shoulders, which are often full of knots. The trick is to work up the temperature by rubbing the skin vigorously and then applying a hot breath to the skin slowly but steadily. The resultant heat is very soothing. We both love this product for back rubs, requisite after-shower aside.

It is edible as well, and although licking sticky, fuzzy backs is not exactly a favorite pastime of mine, I can still accurately report that it tastes sweet and slightly spicy, with a hint of chocolate and other yummy flavors. You won't want to eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but the taste isn't bad at all.

Notable Differences

On EdenFantasys, the product is described as being packaged in a tin adorned with an Indian mural. The set I received was housed within a sturdy cardboard box decorated with Indian art. The description also says that the set includes Honey Almond Massage Cream. My kit came with the Vanilla Body Souffle instead... not that I'm complaining!

Overall, I couldn't have asked for a better kit. The products are full-sized and wonderfully scented. Though mileage may vary on the taste of the edible products, nothing tastes terrible or leaves a bad aftertaste, which is an accomplishment compared to previous experiences. It's the perfect gift to give to someone special... or that someone special could be yourself. Whomever you decide to treat, head over to EdenFantasys to grab this great gift box.

$69.99Earthly delights gift tin Sensual kit by KamaSutra Buy from EdenFantasys
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

Trying to motivate myself is harder on an empty stomach

2010-06-21T23:18:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure this blog has been sort of grumping along at a pathetic pace since I made it, what, a year ago? So tonight I decided to change the template to...ANOTHER TEMPLATE!

* fanfare *

Yeah, not as exciting as expected on my end as well.

I'm leaving the country soon for a bit of a vacation, so I need to finish up my outstanding reviews quickly since this will be a --gasp!-- VACATION WITHOUT SECKS TOYS.

You heard right, dear cricket in the corner. From here on out, it's just me and my hand for the next month and change. Good times will be had by all. By "all", I mean me. Sort of.

In other news, I'm starting to become something of a make-up junkie. What's up with that? I swear I was saving up my money to buy my zombie fortress island (fortress against zombies, not for), but now I'm spending it on weird things like primer and brushes that aren't for my teeth or hair. Speaking of which, I need a new hairbrush. My current one has been broken for over a year now.

Yup, it's time to write this review! I am pumped! I will succeed! I will not give up in the middle and look at Food Porn! I will not be distracted by my empty stomach! It is a new day (no, really, it's tomorrow already)!

Ok, ok, getting on with it.

In the name of all that is pink and frilly--I will punish you!

2010-04-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

My favorite online sex shop recently added a few shiny new corsets to their product line-up, including this one:

Holy ribbons and lace galore, Sailor Moon!

I wanted to get it, but I kept going back and forth on it. Would it be practical? Where would I wear it to, besides in the transition between blogging diligently (cough cough) in a corset to being ravished on a cat hair-covered bed by an enthusiastic boyfriend? I showed my roommate, who is surprisingly tolerant and supportive of my Eden Fantasys habit. She communicated to me through a series of squeals and pointing that I should definitely get this corset and then wear it for her.

I love my roommate.

A few days later, my Stretch lace corset, by Coquette, arrived. Like all other lingerie items I have received from Eden Fantasys, this cute corset came neatly wrapped in pink tissue paper. I tried to save the tissue paper as much as I could while removing the scotch tape (frugal family habit?) but I was a little too excited about the corset itself really make too much of a salvation effort.

The corset comes "fully assembled"--the two shoulder straps and four garter straps are attached. All six of these straps are removable if you like the strapless look better, or if you want to wear your corset with jeans or a skirt and the garter straps are just getting in the way. The product care tag is also easily removable since it is attached to a golden safety pin through which a tiny loop of ribbon on the inside of the corset is threaded. This is a huge improvement over previous Coquette care tags that I have seen, which were simply attached to plastic loops punched through the piece itself. I think I would have cried if they had used that same method on all that pretty lace.

As you can see, three very pretty solid pink bows decorate the front of the corset. One lies right in the middle of the chest, ala Sailor Moon, while the other two share the spotlight right above the three inches (rough guestimate) of black ruffles. Some others have complained that three bows is two too many. I beg to differ. If you take away those two cute bows on the bottom, the whole corset becomes very plain. If you want to be cute, you've gotta go all the way!

There is no underwire in the cups, which actually makes it much more comfortable for me to wear while still providing me with a bit of support. As you can see, however, my boobage is pretty tiny, requiring minimal support. If your boobies are larger than mine, you may actually get some decent cleavage going on with this corset, but I'm not sure if you'll get enough support out of it.

There are nine plastic bones in all, five in the front and four in the back. Each bone is covered with black lace through which a thin pink ribbon is threaded. The same design lines the top of the bust. It's the perfect way to draw the eye to the slimming contours created by the lines. I was a little worried because one of the ribbons seemed a little too long or too loose for the lace it was threaded through. It "bagged out" a little at the bottom. I fixed the problem by gently tugging on sections of it throughout the length of the bone so that the extra length was less obvious.

And of course--the lace! Jeezus H Christopher Columbus! THE LACE. It's pink floral lace overlaid on a black background and it's just--GUH. I thank my lucky stars that it wasn't sparkly lace, or my head might have exploded. I can't say anything about it that can't be said by the photos. It's very pretty and it's well executed. No unevenness that I could tell. A small black ruffle decorates the top of the bust, but doesn't go all the way around the back. The thicker ruffles that line the bottom do.

I regret that the garter straps and shoulder straps are not pictured fully here. I'll have that fixed next week. As mentioned before, all six are removable by simply unhooking them from the fabric loop they are attached to, the same way you might remove the straps from a convertible bra. All six straps are adjustable to a sufficient enough degree that if you can fit into the corset, you should be able to find the strap length that suits your body type. The garter clips were of the slide-the-nub-into-the-metal-catch variety, rather than the possibly simpler clamp-style clips. I've never used these contraptions before, so I was pretty confused about how to attach them to my thigh highs. The boyfriend insisted that I needed special thigh highs with special loops for garter straps, but after watching a Youtube video, I understood that you just slide the stocking between the nub and the catch and slide the nub into place. The only reason it didn't work for me that evening is that the only stocking I have are elastic top, which is a mite too thick for the garter clips to work. From what I could experiment with, the clips themselves were sturdy enough, and are covered from plain view by an extension of black ribbon.

Ah, the back. The one and only thing I didn't like about this corset. Hence the black and white. To signify troubling times ahead.

If the universe were perfect, this corset would have had a lovely lace-up back. However, the folks at Coquette probably decided that it already had too much ribbon (psh! no such thing!) and so went with a hook-and-eye closure instead. Unfortunately, this means that the corset is much less adjustable size-wise than if it had, say, a ribbon lace-up back.

The hook and eye closures run the length of the back with two sets of hooks. I ordered a size small, so according to the size chart, the smaller setting will most likely fit those with band size 34 and waist size 26" and the larger should be squeeze-innable for band size 36 and waist size 28". Unfortunately, I am just a teeny tiny inch larger than the advised size range for waist.

So why didn't I ask for a medium? Because I have two other pieces of lingerie by Coquette, and while mediums fit my waist and hips a little better, medium pieces with defined busts tend to look goofy on me, as if they're designed for my size torso plus larger breasts. So it was either look ridiculous but feel comfortable or look attractive but feel like the stuffing was being squeezed out of me. Lesser of two evils?

Being nearly too large for the corset meant that doing up the hook and eye clasps by myself was a near-impossible feat. I had to go through a full set of yoga stretches (mild exaggeration) just to warm up my arms to the point where they were flexible enough to get all of the clasps done. It took me about twenty minutes and a lot of pain. The next time I put it on, I had the boyfriend to help me and it only took two minutes. The lesson here? I've totally been taking my boyfriend for granted.

Once on, the corset isn't exactly something so comfortable you would want to lounge around in it all day. I wouldn't want to be wearing it for more than an hour, tops. And eating in it? Forget it! I'd be way too worried about getting food on it, never mind how impossible it would be to put any food in my stomach with that amount of cute wrapped around me. If you do get it dirty, however, I would recommend gently hand-washing it in cold water and laying flat to dry. No bleach!

Despite the mild discomfort that comes with wearing this corset for longer periods of time, I still absolutely love it. It's ridiculously pretty and cute and I'm a fan of how I look in it. I'll probably wear it this Halloween paired with my home-made pink kitty ears.

$72.99Stretch lace corset Corset by Coquette Material: Lace / Mesh / Satin Buy from EdenFantasys
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

Sex Food for Thought

2010-04-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing straight: Best Sex Writing 2010, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and published by Cleis Press, is not a collection of erotica. You can blow out the candles and take the batteries out of your bullet, because this isn't exactly literature you can get off to. Instead, this kind of sex writing is the kind that makes you think.

According to Bussel, Best Sex Writing 2010's theme is that of being a sexual outlaw; it's about unconventional sex and why it's fine to reject the norms. Each of the 25 short essays in this book offers interesting insight. The writing quality is very good throughout the book, allowing the reader to truly appreciate the content offered without stumbling over awkward phrasing or dry passages.

The essays are so varied in style and theme that I am sure any reader will find at least one essay that they really enjoy, that will make them think about the topic discussed long after the essay has been read. The three essays that really stuck with me are "Secrets of the Phallus: Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?", "BDSM and Playing with Race", and "Toward a Performance Model of Sex".

In "Secrets of the Phallus", Jesse Bering discusses reasons for the shape of the human phallus. It smacks of Rudyard Kipling's "Just So" stories, and I couldn't help but imagine a story entitled "How the Human Penis Got Its Shape". It was entertaining and informational; the next time I see my boyfriend's penis I will appreciate it that much more, knowing how it theoretically came to be.

Mollena Williams's "BDSM and Playing with Race" is a shade darker. In it, Williams recounts her experiences as an African-American woman who engages in race-play. To be honest, I was very uneasy when reading this piece, though by the end of the essay, Williams sufficiently explains and defends her choice. This is the essay that will probably stick in my memory the longest, simply because it is so disturbing.

"Toward a Performance Model of Sex", by Thomas MacAulay Millar is my favorite. My boyfriend, who also read this book, disliked the format so much that he couldn't even finish the essay, which is a pity. I myself gave up on it the first time I tried to read it--it's the only essay in the collection with actual citations, and that was overwhelming in a book full of otherwise "easy" reads. I ended up reading it in its entirety after I had finished the other essays, and was glad that I had given it a second chance. "Toward a Performance Model of Sex" compares two views of sex: the Commodity Model, which Millar claims is the popular Western view, and the Performance Model, which is the view that Millar encourages readers to take. To any and all who chance to pick up Best Sex Writing 2010, if you only have time to read one essay, read this one. It may take a little more time to get used to the format, but it's worth it.

The other essays cover topics such as safe sex practices, the problem with abstinence-only sex-ed, labiaplasty, pubic hair in the past and present, Twilight, sex surrogates... With so many flavors to sample, you're bound to find something exciting. And I don't mean erotica exciting; I mean tingle-in-your-brainpan exciting.

I find myself bringing up Best Sex Writing 2010 in conversation a lot. There's a relevant essay for nearly every sex-related topic I discuss with my friends. As a result of my constant mention of the book and occasional reading from it, there are currently a handful of people on the waiting list to borrow my copy of the book. So grab a copy just for you, or for sharing with your significant other(s) or friends. Or get everyone their own copy. I know I will be reading and re-reading this book for some time to come.

This book and Best Fetish Erotica are featured by the SexIs Book Club this month. Go check 'em out!

$0.00Best Sex Writing 2010

Book by Various Authors

Format: Paperback
Publisher: Cleis Press Inc.

Buy from EdenFantasys

Big Ol' Tease

2010-03-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you what I found so attractive about the CalEx 10-function C-teaser. Maybe it was its bubble-gum pink color. Maybe it was its safer-than-jelly TPR material. Maybe it was because it'd been too long since I'd had a real bullet (unless you count the Bnaughty Deluxe, which was a little too couture to be called a bullet, if you ask me; more like "pleasure bean"). On top of that, it was waterproof. How could a college student living in a cramped dorm with nosy neighbors possibly turn down a waterproof vibrating toy? Death first!

Whatever the reason for the initial attraction, it wore off ten minutes after I'd popped into the shower with my new C-teaser.

I can only assume its intended position of use is with the flat, thick portion of the pink sleeve cupping the labia. It would make the most sense for the tip of the triangle to be tucked against the clitoris, since the vibrations are strongest there. However, the cord comes out of the opposite end of the sleeve, making this a slightly awkward position since the cord must double over itself unless you trail the cord behind and around you (which, in my opinion, is even more awkward).

I played along with the toy's design, doubling the cord back so I could wedge the pink triangle between my thighs. It didn't feel quite at home there, in part due to the thickness of the sleeve, but mostly due to that silly cord. The vibrations were felt, but they were somewhat dampened due to the sleeve, and all I could feel was a trembly buzz tapping against my labia. Well, that's disappointing. I scrolled through all ten functions, which included three levels of steady vibration and various pulsation and escalation patterns. Even on the highest setting, I wasn't getting much through the sleeve, and my clit, completely discouraged by the hunk of TPR in its face, was unresponsive.

I then tried holding the C-teaser's wider end in my hand and using the point of the triangle to directly target my clit. This was not unlike using a handheld mouse to click on my favorite link (over and over and over again). This was very satisfactory, since the vibrations were concentrated in this part of the toy like no other. The strong, pinpoint vibrations gave me what I needed to finish. At the end of a frustrating first-date with the C-teaser, I was sated and happy and decided that I had myself a new shower time buddy.

As I came out of the shower and dried myself and the toy off, I noticed that moisture seemed to have snuck inside the sleeve, where it sandwiched itself between TPR and the bullet. In order for the toy to dry properly, I would have to remove the sleeve from the bullet and let both air out. Otherwise, the moisture would stay trapped in there and possibly foster microbial growth. I spent the next five minutes wrestling with the sleeve, trying to get it to let go of the bullet. The problem wasn't suction, it was simply that the sleeve's hole is really only big enough for the cord. I had to pry the opening wide enough with my thumbs to push the bullet out from behind the sleeve with my fingers. When it finally came loose, I inspected the sleeve for damage. Ah, there it was: a definite tear right along the seam of the sleeve. And, even worse, I realized that now that the bullet was out, there was really no way of pushing it back in without harming the sleeve further.

Now, I simply use the bullet on its own, and it does not disappoint. The vibrations are what some may call "buzzy", but they are strong and work fine for me. It's not whisper quiet, but it's virtually silent through a closed door and completely undetectable over a shower.

The battery compartment, which takes two AA batteries, is at the very least splashproof, thanks to a slim rubber ring around the base of the cap threads. The cord connecting the controller to the battery is insulated from moisture on both ends as well. I wouldn't recommend submerging this toy, but a shower romp should be fine.

If you should come into the possession of a C-teaser, I strongly recommend that you not take it into any aqueous environment unless you only want the bullet and could care less about the sleeve. Moisture will almost certainly be trapped inside the sleeve and you will need to remove it in order to dry things out. This may very well lead to your sleeve tearing like mine.

Assuming that you keep your C-teaser in one piece, you can clean it with soap and water, but seeing how easily moisture wanders inside the sleeve, I'd recommend using a cloth to wipe it down instead. Toy cleaner or toy wipes can also be used. If, like me, you wrecked the sleeve and only have the bullet left, all of the above still apply, but you won't need to worry about wiping it with a cloth instead of just rinsing it. This sleeve is made of TPR, so either water or silicone based lubricants can be used with it.

The C-teaser is not available for purchase yet at this sex toy store I trust, which sponsored this review. However, a plethora of other toys, vibratey or not, totally are. I suggest you go check it out.

10 Function C-teaser Clitoral vibrator by California Exotic Material: TPR (Thermoplastic Rubber) Safety: $0.00 Buy from EdenFantasys
Rating:	Vroom:	Bee:
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

ugh.

2010-03-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

no. seriously. you piss me off. stoppit.

not YOU. the other one. yeah, that smug bastard. I hate him.

him, too.

* stomps off to dig an acid vat *

/whine

Catwoman was totally not awesome.

2010-03-12T22:38:00.000-08:00

Is it? Really?

Yes, yes it is! It's another post which has no relation whatsoever to any contest, particularly not one which involves scandalous items of clothing or objects which may or may not be insertable/vibratey!

I'm on a roll!

I deserve a fuckin' medal, because I'm a trooper. And what do troopers get?

That's right. MEDALS.

And now if I were talented like certain other blogging individuals, this is where I would insert increasingly creative and hilarious mock medals with which you may wish to award me (or yourself, or your pet elephant). These may or may not be created via Photoshop vectors or even Flash, which I had a very brief but thoroughly unsuccessful run with last summer, but which produces beautifully smoothified lines.

How do you do it, Flash? How do you make my crappy mouse-drawn lines so byootiful? Are you magic? Are you actually a unicorn???

Of course not. But I'm distracting myself.

The point is: I'm not good at producing computer art. So you'll just have to use your imagination and create one for me. In your head. Why should I have to do all the work?

< ambiguous Asian/Eastern European/Russian accent > Everyone in country is lazy! < /accent >

See what I did there? See how clever that was? I hope that doesn't break Blogger when I try to publish this post. (UPDATE: It totally broke the post. I fixed it with science.) Legit fear. I have broken websites before. I won an award for it.

Not like, a prestigious hacker award, but like, I was part of an awesome team that made websites. Except I sucked at making websites, so my job was to do all sorts of random shit to break them and get error screens. And now I'm in a loveless relationship with my completely unrelated-to-breaking-websites major. I KNEW I MISSED MY TRUE CALLING. Fucking tragedy.

It's almost 2 in the morning, but I can still tell when my blog posts are getting way too long. I have a better grasp of this now because after tunneling through a bunch of sex toy reviews (HOORAY I AM EMPLOYED I LOVE YOU EDENFANTASYS, ALSO THE UNIVERSE*) these past two weeks, I have a perfect understanding of where the normal human person's mind starts to wander and send subliminal messages to the frontal cortex**, like, "Dude. Let's go eat some pizza. Yeah, pizza. And then we can watch funny cat videos on Youtube! This review/blog/Edgar Allen Poe poem sucks."

So I'm gonna cut this post off at the knees and just give you the information that really matters:

The Catwoman movie sucks.

Yeah, the one with Halle Berry in it.

Also, the one which everyone else with whom I have come into contact has warned me off of. For the past, what, five, six years? When did that movie come out? And I never saw it.

But then, tonight, something changed for me. I said to myself, "Who am I to say no to a movie just because everyone else hates it?" I've certainly never let it stop me before. Like the time when I wore that mint green zipper vest with lavender arm warmers and a giant neck ruff in high school, and everyone tried to stop me, and I wore it the whole day anyway. No one even remembered it afterward, possibly because it was so eye-searing that it burned its own image out of retinas the same moment it was viewed. But the point is, everyone agreed that it was a terrible decision, but I still made it.

So I decided to put aside the negative labels assigned to this superhero movie and gave it a shot. 30 minutes, to be precise. So really, not even a third of it. And I had to watch it in five minute intervals, because it turns out I just couldn't watch the damn thirty minutes altogether in the same sitting. It was that painful.

I love Halle Berry. She's so cute. And regal. At the same time. It's kind of confusing. But she's nice to look at. If she were a kitty cat I'd call her Missus Precious Meowmeow Noms and she'd have a goofy grin on her face all the time. That's how much I love Halle Berry, and I've really only seen her in comic book movies. It's also no secret that I love kitties. And this movie has a shit ton of kitties. It even has a CGI kitty, which is just weird when you've got real cats milling around. Kind of like in the Garfield movie, when... oh shit, this post is getting long.

I wish I could actually finish this post, but my eyes are starting to hurt. I should be in bed. It's late. Good night.

* As much as I'd love to dedicate an entire post to how awesome EdenFantasys is for employing me (and the Universe for being...well, the Universe), I feel like one really good all-caps sentence set aside from the rest of the post via parentheses does it far more justice than an entire post ever could. I'm pretty sure such a post would contain numerous diversions, such as what I had for lunch today, and why can't dorms serve better food, and who are these strange people calling my room asking for "Vince"? This is a girls' corridor, for crying out loud. And wouldn't it be great to have a teeny tiny elephant as your pet? You could sedate it with a single hydrocodone pill (or half of one, I'm not a real scientist yet) and use it as a paperweight. Wouldn't that be awesome? I think I've made my point.

** I don't remember what the frontal cortex does. It probably has nothing to do with subliminal messages. I'm not a real scientist yet! Stop being all...judgey.

Well, seeing as how I wouldn't take chocolate into the shower...

2010-02-16T12:15:00.000-08:00

I've never been excited about getting expensive chocolates. Probably because no one sends them to me.

HINT, HINT.

But I did get super freaking excited when I found out that my favorite sex store in the whole wide world was sending me a Nomi Tang Better Than Chocolate. Knowing how practical I am (not at all), I'd probably be more enthusiastic about getting a solar-powered vibe than a sandwich on a desert island, too.

With a name like "Nomi Tang", I had to check out the designer herself. Turns out she's the spokesperson of Hong Kong-based Loewie's own brand. Loewie is the "Head Representative Agent in Asia following well known brands from Europe", which I think is kind of awesome. That could explain all the fabulous, higher-end sex toys I saw in China last year!

Onto the Better Than Chocolate!

The BTC is packaged very discreetly, almost plainly with minimum "waste" packaging. The cardboard sheath, for example, may be thrown away, but you'll want to keep the lovely white box for storing your BTC or a variety of other nice things, as the included user's manual suggests. The white felt insert which displays the BTC when you first open the box may be discarded to fit more things in the container. Personally, I think it'd be a hoot to use it as a candies box. Other than the BTC and the user's manual, the box also houses a white felt drawstring pouch and a little "With Compliments" card.

So here's the star of the day! Generator of BUZZ! Is it really better than chocolate?

Well, it definitely wins over plain old chocolate in terms of techie awesomeness. What really impressed me about the BTC, before I even turned it on, was its cool finger-glide controller.

As detailed in the user's manual (which says the same thing in nine or ten languages), to turn on the BTC, you push the power button, located on the end opposite the glide controller.

Then, once you've got it buzzing, you can choose between three settings by placing your finger on the NT (Nomi Tang) logo on the touch pad for a few seconds. You can find this even in the dark, because it glows blue when the toy is on!

The first default setting is a steady vibration. This is quite possibly the only setting in the world, on any toy, that gets me off. The second setting is what I call the "rolling pin" feature, which escalates from the lowest to highest vibration in one pulse, and then starts all over again. The third setting is just pulsing without the escalation. Other users of the BTC have reported a fourth function, but no matter how many times I go through the functions, I can only detect three. Part of that is probably due to cool-as-hell touch pad, which doesn't exactly let you know whether your tap has been registered or not.

The touch pad also controls strength of vibrations in the first mode and speed of pulsation in the second and third modes. To adjust it, simply slide your finger on the touch pad towards the tip of the vibe (+) or towards the NT logo (-). Each stroke of the finger will bring you another level higher or lower, to about a total of five levels of vibration/speed, although it's a little difficult to quantify.

The strongest vibration is of decent strength, about four out of five vrooms, while the weakest is very mild. The vibrations are super pinpoint on the touch pad end of the toy if you hold it in your hand and just use the tip to stimulate the clit. If you lay the curve nestled up to your body, however, the vibrations become more diffuse and, personally, diffuse vibrations do very little for me. Regardless of vibration strength or speed, however, the BTC stayed virtually silent. My roommate, who was watching me test the toy (...not like that) swore that she could hardly hear it across our tiny dorm room. Behind a closed door? No one would know.

You'll want to stroke quickly and decisively when changing speeds, because if your finger lingers on the tip end of the touch pad, the BTC registers it as a "lock" command.

To (intentionally) lock the BTC, you place your finger on the tip side of the touch pad and hold it there for a few seconds. The NT logo turns from blue to red to signify that the toy has been locked. To unlock it, hold your finger over the same area until the logo turns blue again.

The User's Manual reassures users that the BTC automatically locks itself when the touch pad is covered with liquid. In order to unlock it, the touch pad must first be dried off. In theory, this is great. In practice, not so awesome. I've taken the BTC into the shower with me a few times, and each time, it locks when it senses the first burst of water on its shiny touch pad surface.

And then more water hits it. So it unlocks. And the locks again. And then unlocks.

And then it cycles through a couple of functions randomly.

Nomi Tang doesn't really explain how the touch pad works, so I can only assume that it is designed to lock when immersed in water because it responds to water the same way it responds to human touch, except human touch is pinpoint while water is more spread-y. Auto-locking would prevent frustrating interaction between water, human, and toy. However, this logic doesn't exactly hold in the shower, where it's more splashy than submerg-y. So although I have not used this in a tub, I'm almost certain that it would work better immersed in water than subjected to shower spray. This is good news for those of you who have a tub and like to bathe, especially since the BTC is waterproof up to 1 meter. This doesn't surprise me at all, considering how tightly the battery compartment closes.

To load up some batteries, you twist the power button end counterclockwise. This isn't as hard as opening a jar, but you will need a strong grip. If there are already batteries in the toy, it may turn on if you accidentally hit the power button, which is inevitable if you have larger hands. Keep twisting until the tip pops off to reveal the battery compartment. The BTC runs on two AAA batteries, and the compartment has images showing how to load the batteries properly. So pop in your fresh batteries and twist the cap back on. It won't close unless you've aligned the cap and the toy properly which requires some trial and error the first time. The User Manual suggests that the batteries be removed when the toy is not used for several weeks in a row. My personal rule is to remove batteries when you're done for the night. Saves you batteries and frustration!

The Better Than Chocolate is made of body-friendly TPE and Polycarbonate. To clean it, simply rinse with soap and warm water before and after use. This is an external vibe, so it's really not ideal for vaginal insertion, and DEFINITELY not for anal insertion. However, it should be fine to tease around the perineum and pucker of the anus as long as the BTC is not inserted.

The BTC can also be incorporated into partner sex. For oral sex purposes, I find that the BTC performs pretty darn well. Holding it between bodies for penetrative sex though? Doesn't work as well. The BTC may have been designed to fit against the female form, but the truth is, we ladies come in all shapes and sizes. Throw a partner into the mix and the probability of the toy fitting perfectly against two bodies during penetrative sex is pretty low. It does work for positions with less body contact, like cowgirl and reverse cowgirl, but missionary? Results in a bruised Miss Cinnamon.

The Better Than Chocolate is considered a luxury vibrator, and it's easy to see why. Its shapely lines and techy-cool touch pad aren't exactly run-of-the-mill. As I've pointed out, there are improvements that could be made, but when I'm looking for an external vibe to use right before bed with shower spray nowhere in sight, the BTC can't be beat.

UPDATE: This review is currently up for EdenFantasys' Weekly Review Rumble. Please cast your votes here! Thanks!

Better than chocolate Clitoral vibrator by Nomi Tang Material: Non-porous TPR Safety: $80.00 Buy from EdenFantasys
Rating:	Vroom:	Bee:
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

I really need to post more. Like. Seriously.

2010-02-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

Surprise!

It's a post that doesn't contain a contest entry!

!!!

Unfortunately, I don't have much to say. The boyfriend started his own blog a while ago, and it's making me feel pressured. Like "Hey, I've got a giant glass butt sword on my blog now. What's going on with yours? Judged anything lately?"

Har. Har.

There's definitely an offsite review coming up on the blog though, for the Nomi Tang Better Than Chocolate. I was super excited to get it, but I'm still dorking around, unwilling to commit to a review because I don't want my first offsite review to suck. Is that weird?

And then I still need to review the Couture Compagnia by CalExotics. Do you have any idea how hard it is to sneak a giant black silicone dildo into a corridor bathroom shared by approximately 24 women? REALLY HARD.

"Hey, what are you washing there?"

"A giant black silicone double dildo."

"Oh. OK."

That's NOT how the conversation went.

This is how it went.

"..."

* furtive look *

"..."

Never mind the fact that I feel kind of guilty for even requesting the double dildo because HELLO. I don't have a girlfriend. Or a gal pal who's up for lending me an extra vagina for a weekend afternoon. But then I remember that the boyfriend's always wanted to try using a double dildo with me. Maybe I can shove it into a harness and try using it that way. But in order for any of that to happen, we have to be in the same zip code.

Dear Long Distance, you are KILLING MY REVIEW.

Hopefully I'll be able to find a new place soon, where I can actually get a decent bit of privacy. Private bathroom? I'm there!

EdenCafe's Banner Contest... and where my toys go hiding

2009-11-12T12:33:00.000-08:00

I know what you're saying.

You're saying, "Miss Cinnamon, what's up with the sporadic posting? It's like you only have this blog so you can enter in contests!"

Which is totally not true. It's just that contests are more interesting than my every day, anonymous life. Especially contests involving sex toys.

WHOA! I hear you say, What IS that?! Where'd it come from? Why is it here, in the middle of this blog post which no one is reading because I haven't updated in so long and so many of my updates are long, boring lists of sex toys I'd like to win or sex toys I didn't win or whether I'm allowed to call something "lesbian"?

It's here because there's a banner contest over at EdenFantasys' blog, Eden Cafe, and I'm entering because the prize is kind of awesome. And probably if I won it my boyfriend would steal it from me and hide it in his butt all day, because that's the kind of things he does with all the cool toys we have.

MY BOYFRIEND: Hey honey, watcha lookin' for?

ME: That little blue glass plug that I've been wanting to try again.

MY BOYFRIEND: Oh. I... Oh.

ME: ? Have you seen it?

MY BOYFRIEND: It's in my butt.

ME: Still??!

MY BOYFRIEND: Uh huh.

ME: How about that nice glass wand I got? The one with the swirls and bumps? I haven't seen that since first semester of freshman year!

MY BOYFRIEND: Uh... That's... also... in my butt.

ME: ...The glass bubble wand?

MY BOYFRIEND: That, too.

It's pretty much the story of my sex life. This is why I'm looking for glass toys that don't have flanged bases, so that my boyfriend can stop stealing them from me and putting them into his butt.

Anyway, the prize for the banner contest isn't even a glass toy, it's the winner's choice from three Njoy objects of lustful awesomeness.

So yeah, that's my contest entry. Also, this banner has a permanent home on my sidebar now. Not that anyone ever looks.

The end.

to make up for last night's emo post

2009-08-16T17:03:00.000-07:00

things are all in the ok now. and to make you forget what a wailing bunch of kittens I am when I let myself get carried away by the emo, check it out!

http://www.edencafe.com/2009/08/news-and-stuff-and-giveaways/

The above link will take you to information about entering for a chance to win a $100 gift card from EdenFantasys. You know, so you can buy sex toys or something with it. I was thinking even if you weren't really into sex toys, you could still totally use the gift card on batteries, right? Or get some silicone lube to use as moisturizer. Or maybe some of those cleaning wipes, except instead of using them for post-coital messes, you use them to wipe your hands before you eat at a shady restaurant in another country. By shady, I mean "you have to pick your way through a construction zone to get to the seating area, and the hostess isn't slowing down any for you".

And the contest ends tonight, I think, and I just found out about it, since I've been MIA and all. So if you haven't entered already, do it. It's got something for EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE. Hungry? Grab a candy bra and some gummy cuffs.

I swear I'll write about that hole in the wall sex store in China... soonish.

I just noticed that I started this post with uncapitalized words and now I'm doing the whole proper capitalization thing. Huh. Weird.

word problem

2009-06-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

I don't mean like "Judy has three apples and she steals a tomato from a grocery place--how many pieces of fruit does she have?" (The answer is, of course, "why didn't she offer to trade an apple for the tomato?" and the answer to THAT is "because the recipe called for three apples and a tomato, douchebag." Sorry. this word problem is getting worse by the minute.)

I mean like, I bristle when I hear someone refer to something that is broken/stupid/fucked up as "gay". "This computer is so gay!" regarding a PC that won't stop rebooting itself, for instance. It's not cool because it turns "gay" into a synonym for "stupid", and that creates all kinds of problems for people who identify as gay.

But what if I find something to actually be kind of homosexual? I was watching an anime with a friend the other day and it's about school girls (of course) who are all cutesy and shoujo with each other (of course). They'll randomly pounce on each other and nuzzle each other and other saccharine, drippy girlish love things. I found myself exclaiming "THAT IS SO LESBIAN!" and then I wondered--is that ok? Is that bad? Should I stop saying it?

Upon further thought, I think that it's not unreasonable for me to say such things. I mean, if I see a really purple pickup in the parking lot, I'm gonna say "THAT IS SO PURPLE!" If I see really cutesy, lesbian behavior in an anime, I am going to say "THAT IS SO LESBIAN!"

If anyone thinks that my logic is flawed, you're probably right. Please help me figure it out.

these stories are pretty awesome

2009-05-31T05:59:00.001-07:00

I recently discovered Beyond the Birds and the Bees and I'm pretty impressed by all of the stories on the site. It actually makes me look forward to the day I become a parent and do my best to do right by my kids, to prove that I can learn from my parents' mistakes. I mean, based on the thimble cup sized serving of sexual wisdom imparted on me, all I knew was that wild sex gives you AIDS.

I was terrified. I also was pretty horny for a little kid. it was a bit of a dilemma, but no one told me what masturbation was, so I figured that what I did with myself couldn't possibly give me bugs in my vagina (I had a very limited understanding of what AIDS actually was).

When the parents cornered me into telling them that I'd had sex (I was way over the age of consent by then), they responded with tears, high blood pressure, long seething lectures, and hideously inappropriate name-calling. for approximately three hours that night, I was no one's daughter by their own choice. then they changed their mind and decided to lock me up for the rest of my natural life instead. obviously, that didn't pan out (completely) either. but the fact remains that until the day I fully move out and move on, they will continue to push sexual shame and fear.

I find it kind of depressing.

reading the stories on BB&B inspires me and makes me wistful. I hope I can teach my kids the right lessons when the time comes. I wish I had been taught those lessons when my time came. Keg says everything happens for a reason, and it helps me cope.

in other news--busy busy busy! summer semester's going on now and I've got a pretty full weekday schedule. in spite of all the work, I still got two reviews done last week. Go me!

also, sorry for starting some sentences with caps and some without. it's early and I haven't eaten anything yet.

Miss Cinnamon's Wish List

2009-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

So for anyone who's been living under a rock for the past month or more, Ginger Leigh is doing this sextoy.com shopping spree giveaway where you can make a wish list of up to $1,000 worth of sextoy.com goodies and enter it in the contest. If you win, you get everything on your wish list. which is. you know. AWESOME. I told my boyfriend about it, and he in turn looked meaningfully at our overflowing duffel bag of sex toys that we've accumulated over the past >1 year and I'm like "what? I said I wanted a sex ROOM, Keg. that's just the bag we started using because your extra large shoebox started to overflow."

this is in disregard of the fact that we don't really have a spare room for sex toys yet. we don't even have our own apartment. we don't even LIVE TOGETHER. it's one of those "someday" things, along with "someday, we should fill a barn with homeless kittens and train them to be pirates." shut up. it's totally a legit life goal. my dad always bugs me about my apparent lack of life goals, and I'm like "that is not true! I have SO MANY DREAMS, Dad. I can't help it if you don't acknowledge the validity of them."

stick around, I'll tell you more sad stories about my life. but later. Here's my wish list:

1. Lelo Nea (Black)-- I've heard some complaints about the Nea not being strong enough, but it's so pretty that I frankly don't care. If it doesn't do it for me, I'll use it as a paperweight. By paper, I mean my clitoris. Not that my clitoris is paperlike in any way. That would be weird.

2. Lelo Gigi (Deep Rose)-- My "que cera cera" approach to G-spotting has of late evolved into a full on war. I need a weapon. Gigi's not a rifle--she's better.

3. Pjur Eros Body Glide Women (100mL)--I just realized that we are almost totally out of lube and it would suck a lot if I actually won and couldn't play with my small mountain of toys because we didn't have any lube on hand. There was this really cool lady in a sex shop I went to who massaged this onto my hand and I was like "shit! this stuff is awesome!" I would have bought it then except I was broke because I spent all my $1 bills on strippers.

4. Maximus Personal Lubricant (250 mL)-- Silicone lubes might melt my silicone toys. If I'm going to have a shit ton of toys, then I might as well as have a shit ton of lube. Besides, this lube has a reputation.

5. ID Millenium (8.5 oz)-- Just in case the other two lubes don't do it at all for me, I want to have this trusty favorite by my side. I PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST TUBE O' LUBE I PUT ON THIS LIST. stop judging me.

6. Beginner Ball Gag (Red)--My boyfriend sucks at being a submissive. He'll ask me to tie him up, but then he'll continue to boss me around afterwards and he whines so hideously when I smack him for being cheeky. In short, this will shut him up good. I'll give him a squeaky toy or something in lieu of safe word.

7. Rude Boy (Black) --Said boyfriend wasn't very responsive to the Nexus Titus, so hopefully the addition of vibration and silicone material instead of plastic will generate a more favorable reaction this time.

8. Maven Blue Elastomer --The last sleeve I got the boyfriend was an absolute fail (thanks a lot, Pipedream) so hopefully this one will do the trick.

9. Jewel Butt Plug Emerald --For me! I like the idea of wearing a miniskirt and button up around the apartment with this in :D My boyfriend will probably steal it just like he stole my glass plug though...

10. Black Tantus Severin Butt Plug--So the boyfriend will have his own butt plug to play with and leave mine alone! He's also been wanting a larger plug, so...

11. Share (Baby Rose) --My boyfriend's a pretty big fan of pegging. At least, in theory. We've only tried it once since we got together and since that strap-on has earned itself a permanent residence in the very bottom of the smut drawer (where all the crappy toys go), this one will hopefully be a much better replacement.

12. Dream Maker Lunar Rabbit --I've never had an actual "bunny"-rabbit. My rabbit-type vibes are all non-animal, which I think is pretty boring. I heard some pretty cool things about this toy which should make up for the fact that it's probably too big for me.

13. Acuvibe Wireless Massager --The fact that it's kinda like the Hitachi but wireless and also kind of awesome looking means it's definitely going into our personal sex tape. Whenever we scrounge together enough nickels and dimes to buy a cam corder.

14. BWarm Soy Massage Candle (Fig) --B Swish is one of those new companies that make me go "huh, interesting", and the massage candle they designed was the most intriguing of all their products I've seen so far.

15. Smartballs (Black&Magenta) --My vagina is tiny, but it is weak. I am of the opinion that Smartballs are like Smarties for your PC muscles--it makes you stronger! smarter! but without the sugar. or the food coloring. I think.

16. Fukuoku Power Pack --I'm sort of a whore when it comes to things that look "hi tech" and this toy looks like it belongs in a sex tape where people get beamed up into alien space ships to get buzzed and probed.

That list totally took me the whole day to put together. Go me.

Total= $997.74

Make your own wish list!

Give me Fever

2009-05-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

Sextoy.com’s “Give me Fever”— Sex Toys Giveaway Contest!

Spring is finally upon us, the time when lovers get frisky and people’s minds turn to sex! To help get you motivated and to celebrate May as Masturbation Month, Sextoy.com is partnering with the Pleasurists.com for the “Give me Fever”— Sex Toys Giveaway Contest with $500 in prize package swag giveaways!

The Prize Packages!

1st Prize- Fetish Fantasies- Value $220

Fantasy sex swing - black by Pipe Dreams - $130
Fetish fantasy bed restraint bondage kit by Eldorado- $40
Leather Cockring With Micro-Vibrator by California Exotics- $25
Ryder - Midnight Purple by Tantus- $25

2nd Prize- Sexy Girl Bling- Value $145

Ultimate Clit Caresser - Clear Aurora by Arabesque - $100
Sinsation Glass G-spot Dildo by Ruby Glass- $20
Goddess Gold Condom Compact by Just in Case- $25

3rd Prize- Couples Fun- $110

Don Wand Colbalt Blue Plug by Don Wand- $20
Rock Chick Pink G-Spot Vibrator Adult Sex Toy Kit by MBS- $70
OOOOH! THAT’S IT! GSPOT GEL (1 oz) by Intimate Organics- $20

The Rules!

You must 18+ to enter.
You must be willing to provide your mailing address if you win so Sextoy.com can send you your sexy swag prizes.
To enter simply repost this contest (complete guidelines) any time between May 1st and May 25th on your blog or a forum or elsewhere where you have permission (no spamming and post cannot be in comments sections of blogs) and email submission AT pleasurists.com with a link to the repost.
If you have a preference for which prize you would like to be sent feel free to include that with your post or in the email with your repost link, we will take it into consideration when choosing the winners (though there’s no guarantee). Listing First, Second, and Third choice of prize package would be helpful!
Submissions must be posted on or between May 1st and May 30th to qualify
You must email your submission to submission AT pleasurists.com by May 30th at 11:59pm Pacific Time.

Winners will be chosen by random number generator, numbered by the order in which the emails are received. Each winner will be given their first choice prize if possible, or second or third if not. Winners will be announced on May 31st!

That’s it! Get to re-posting!

chex mix needs more chex and less "mix"

2009-05-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

so I stole the family bag of snack mix and hauled it upstairs to munch on while I read Bloggess to forget about how shitty reality is when my boyfriend popped online and was like "reality!" and I suddenly realized that I was putting Cheerios into my mouth.

yeah... that sentence doesn't really....work. but anyway.

I was all "why are there Cheerios in my chex mix?!" and they weren't even normal cheerios or honey nut cheerios but seasoned weird so they kind of taste like minestrone soup mix before you add the water.

not that I've, you know, eaten minestrone soup mix dry. I'm just saying, you know. hypothetically.

so I was feeling cheated, because isn't it bad enough that they're watering down my salty chex fix with stupid little breadstick crackers and pretzels? now they're putting breakfast food in it?! what a scam! I started to type to my boyfriend about it, but then I realized that I was eating a bag of Cheerios snack mix.

it didn't make the cheerios any less tiny/crummy or the yummy chex pieces any less scarce. it just made me feel like an idiot.

speaking of idiots, this morning I was browsing Oddee.com and one of the ads on their article about divorce had this hairy dude with his arms around this little asian woman and the ad was all "Find the Asian bride of your dreams!"

I was all "wtf?" about it and tried to blog about it three (!!!) times, but it's pretty much hopeless. suffice to say, I found the ad funny/hopeless/pretty damn racist, but I'm sensitive to stuff like that, so I won't bore you with the details. to set the record straight: my boyfriend is way fuzzier/cuter than ad-man and I am way hotter than ad-asian.

adsense is pretty awesome

2009-05-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

I've never used AdSense before.... but after seeing a bunch of listings for "tea cozies" in the sidebar, I've gotta say, I'm impressed!

I don't even know what a tea cozy is!

but then I refreshed the page and the ad changed to something about HIV awareness. and now no matter how many times I refresh it, I can't get the tea cozy listings back.

that kind of makes me sad.

Post Partum #1: of course, now it won't do anything but show me tea cozy listings... what a clever little AdSense you are! yes you are! yes you are!

sorry for the shitacular blog name

2009-05-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

so... blog start-up attempt no. 2

What went wrong the first time?

well, I named my blog "Nympho Noshings". which sounds like... erotica for ladies who use tea cozies and knit while they watch porn. and, while I'm sure that there's something out there that caters to that audience, I really don't know that I want to cater to that audience.

So what's up with the new name?

it's not "Nympho Noshings".

How is it any better?

now, instead of associating my blog with teatime porn and biscuits, my -5 readers will associate it with an older woman who peers sternly over her spectacles at her hapless victims. who, for the record, probably deserve it.

I take offense at the term "older woman".

frikkin' EVERYONE is older than me. even my cat is older than me, and he's only 3 "cat years" old, which is like the equivalent of 28 "human years". which I think is total BS because cats don't go around the Earth slower than humans or vice versa. my cat just made it up so he could peer sternly over his favorite box at his hapless human. but Judge Judy is 66 years old, so she's even older than my cat. they have peering contests. except then my cat gets annoyed and swats her in the face.

Except it's the TV screen, right? And it's all cutesy and shit because your cat is playing with the TV?

yeah. pretty much.

So explain your blog's name.

I'm not a bona fide nympho, but I'm totally a judgmental bitch. I keep blogs on facebook and myspace, except my friends read those so I can't bitch about the stupid things they've done because then it's "passive agressive" and everyone blogs about what a bitch I am. so basically I'm going to start this blog so I can bitch all I want about my friends (except I'll use pseudonyms and be all sneaky and ninja about it), and I'll keep my facebook and myspace blogs to bitch about my non-facebook/myspace friends. I also can't review sex toys on facebook/myspace because I have these crazy virtuous people on my friends list who will invariably find out and leave comments like "I am so shocked that you put electrical appliances into your vagina! What would Jesus think?" and I'd be all like "Jesus came out of a vagina, bitch." which wouldn't actually answer the question and they'd totally start a facebook war with me and create an app for everyone to hate on me. so I'll use this blog to judge people and sex toys.

everybody wins!

well... not really. just me.