Waiting for classes to start

I spent most of today wandering around what may very well be the quietest part of campus, searching desperately for food. It made me almost miss the all-girls dorm I stayed at for the past few years. It may have suffered from drunk people giving blow jobs in the parking lot and the constant reek of illegal substances being consumed (inhaled?) from down the hall, but damn it, it was surrounded by places for food. There were at least three or four sushi places (and one good sushi place, which is all you need, really), two Indian restaurants, and a scattered handful of Chinese, Korean, and Thai foodstops. Not to mention a Noodles & Co. right smack dab across the street from the dorm. And a Panera. And some super swanky European place.

I could go on and on about all the food that I was surrounded by, if I was willing to pay for it, and as a hungry underclassman with no real appreciation for money, I was. And there was the ethnic shop I stopped by every week to look longingly at the scarves I wanted but didn't need, and a sex shop I stopped by every month to squeeze the dildos and make small talk with the owner. Even if I sucked at getting to know my hallmates, at least I got to know most every store I was surrounded by. For fuck's sake, I lived in the middle of downtown.

And now? I'm living in maybe the quietest, most deserted part of campus. I have to walk a mile to get to anything edible when the dorm cafeterias are closed, and even when the cafeteria is open, I seem to be utterly inept at finding my way there. My window faces a parking lot, and since the room's halfway underground, I am frequently plagued by fear that someone is going to ride a motorcycle through it. I ate ramen for dinner last night after scrambling back from the boyfriend's place so I could spend the rest of the weekend preparing for classes come Tuesday. I usually don't break into my first pack of ramen until right before midterms.

So I guess I was a little cranky as I tried to finish unpacking last night. The room seemed too small and dingy to be worth the cost and, at the time, it smelled like ramen. Nothing feels very classy when it smells like ramen.

But when I woke up this morning, all I could hear were leaves making that leafy sound in the wind, as opposed to the screaming construction equipment that worked from morning til night right next to my old dorm. And as I tried to find my way to the cafeteria, somewhere between ten and fifteen minutes away, but which still took me an entire hour to arrive at, all I could do was look around and think Huh...TREES. Which, for me, isn't a bad way to start off a day at all.

It also didn't hurt that they were having a barbecue. And had a water slide.

I might just be able to get used to living in the middle nowhere, campus.

* cough *

* knocks on wood *

* duct tapes window shut *

A gift you should keep for yourself

Before I launch into my review of the exceedingly awesome Kama Sutra Earthly Delights Gift Tin, I'd like to explain that not only am I an extremely frugal person (except for when it comes to certain sparkly eye shadows... *ahem*), I'm also pretty tight fisted. When I was younger, I had, on more than one occasion, decided at the last minute to keep for myself an item purchased as a gift for a friend, classmate, or relative, substituting whatever their intended gift had been with a key chain or similar. It was because the gift was always something better than I had personally ever received myself, and I convinced myself that the intended recipient could never appreciate it as much as I could and therefore, by my reasoning, they did not deserve it as much as I did.

I was a strange kid, let me tell you.

But the point is, if I'd bought this ridiculously luxurious Gift Tin for someone else, say as a wedding gift or likewise, and decided to wiggle it open to check out its contents before wrapping it up in nice paper and giving it away? The bride would've gotten a key chain instead.

As soon as I pulled the heavy, square box (not so much a tin, but no matter) from the shipping package, a wonderfully floral yet woodsy scent filled my tiny room. Upon removing the lid, the scent grew stronger. I wondered if the box itself was perfumed, or if it was emanating from one of the five full-sized products securely packed within. One by one, I unearthed the items: Honey Dust and Feather Applicator, French Vanilla Creme Body Souffle, Spearmint Pleasure Balm, Original Oil of Love, and Sweet Almond Massage Oil. Each item was individually sealed and wrapped in a plastic bag to prevent leakage, with the exception of the feather duster.

Honey Dust and Feather Applicator

It took me a while to realize that the wonderful smell came from this generous pouch of fine, sweet powder. It is packaged in a plastic bag tied off with a twist-tie within a black satin drawstring pouch. Although it does take away from the aesthetic a little bit (who enjoys the crinkling sound of plastic during foreplay? put your hand down), I would recommend leaving the dust inside the plastic bag instead of trying to transfer the dust from bag into pouch, since that simply creates too much potential for disaster for my liking.

Simply opening the plastic bag will cause a little of the dust to become airborne--it is that light and fine--and perfume the air. The included feather applicator uses real feathers, which I'm sure came from perfectly happy birds, but I can't prove that, so if you've got beef with animal products, then steer clear of this one. Simply running the tips of the feathers over the inside of the bag will pick up generous amounts of honey dust, even without dipping the applicator into the bulk of the dust itself.

The first time we used this, my boyfriend lightly dusted me all over above the navel with this lovely stuff. It smelled wonderful and when he went to lick it off, the effect was less like a powdered donut than we'd expected. Instead, it was a very subtle sweetness; just a hint of honey on the skin that wasn't at all overpowering in taste or in smell. He also found that the powder made my skin just a fraction smoother. 

In the past, I was paranoid about this type of product, suspecting that it would become sticky in humid weather or with sweat. I now dust it lightly on my neck and collarbone in the morning instead of using perfume, and it hasn't gotten sticky or gross on me yet.

Sweet Almond Massage Oil

The sweet almond massage oil is just that--a massage oil. One that smells strongly of sweet almond, no less, but no special features to this one. It works alright as a massage oil. We needed to apply a little more than we thought was needed, but when a generous amount is used, the oil is great for a regular massage. Even though it's a non-greasy formula, it doesn't absorb too well into the skin, so back rubs with this massage oil are usually followed by showers. This one's scent was actually a bit too strong for my liking, but I'm not a huge fan of the almond scent, so this isn't a surprise or even a real flaw.

Spearmint Pleasure Balm

The pleasure balm comes in a squat tube and comes out as a minty green gel. Now, the last time I tried a minty green gel, it turned out to be expired oral sex gel and gave me an achey throat. This time, however, the flavor was pretty nice--not too strong and not too sweet, just tasty enough to make me eager to try it out while giving him head.

I applied just a tiny amount of the gel to the head of his penis since that's the most sensitive part and it's usually the part they recommend applying stimulating products to. He immediately felt a minty tingle, and afterwards said that his sensations were intensified while receiving head. However, great as it was, he still did not end up finishing in my mouth, as he rarely does, and we finished the night in other ways. I have not tried this balm on myself as it contains glycerin and my girly bits are awfully picky.

French Vanilla Creme Body Souffle

The body souffle comes in a large pot and smells exactly like vanilla frosting. My boyfriend loved it from the moment he sniffed it. He proceeded to stick a finger in and scoop out a fair-sized dollop and put it in his mouth, which I bopped him over the head for. That is not how you're supposed to use it.

You can use the body souffle as a massage creme. It's smooth and creamy and not sticky at all, but absorbs into the skin, making it smooth and pliable to fingers intent on giving a good massage. My boyfriend made a weird face when asked to consider using it for a back rub and then licking my back for taste. In the end, we compromised and I got a front rub instead. The body souffle wasn't an outstanding massage cream, but it didn't suck, either. I smelled like a freshly frosted cookie by the end of it. And the taste? It has a slightly greasy texture, since it's pretty much a thick lotion, with a hint of sweetness. Again, its best feature is its scent.

My boyfriend also complains that it made his mouth numb after licking it all off my breasts, but that's because you ATE A WHOLE DOLLOP BEFOREHAND. But as a heads up, slight numbing may occur, but it wears off within the next ten to twenty minutes.

Original Oil of Love

The Oil of Love came in a glass bottle stopped with a cork, with the neck and cork wrapped in plastic to stop leakage. Even so, some of the oil had made it out past the cork. Had it not been for the plastic bag, the escaped oil could have made a mess of the box's contents.

Disaster averted, we went on to try this massage oil. The Oil of Love is a heating massage oil; it heats with friction, and its temperature rises even more when you blow on it. Remember: hot bedroom breath "haaah", not blowing out a candle breath "hoooo"!

I gave my boyfriend a back rub with this green-tinted oil. It was slightly sticky and gooey, and most people will want to take a shower after using this product. However, it worked wonders on his shoulders, which are often full of knots. The trick is to work up the temperature by rubbing the skin vigorously and then applying a hot breath to the skin slowly but steadily. The resultant heat is very soothing. We both love this product for back rubs, requisite after-shower aside. 

It is edible as well, and although licking sticky, fuzzy backs is not exactly a favorite pastime of mine, I can still accurately report that it tastes sweet and slightly spicy, with a hint of chocolate and other yummy flavors. You won't want to eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but the taste isn't bad at all.

Notable Differences

On EdenFantasys, the product is described as being packaged in a tin adorned with an Indian mural. The set I received was housed within a sturdy cardboard box decorated with Indian art. The description also says that the set includes Honey Almond Massage Cream. My kit came with the Vanilla Body Souffle instead... not that I'm complaining!

Overall, I couldn't have asked for a better kit. The products are full-sized and wonderfully scented. Though mileage may vary on the taste of the edible products, nothing tastes terrible or leaves a bad aftertaste, which is an accomplishment compared to previous experiences. It's the perfect gift to give to someone special... or that someone special could be yourself. Whomever you decide to treat, head over to EdenFantasys to grab this great gift box.

                       

$69.99Earthly delights gift tin Sensual kit by KamaSutra Buy from EdenFantasys

This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

Trying to motivate myself is harder on an empty stomach

I'm pretty sure this blog has been sort of grumping along at a pathetic pace since I made it, what, a year ago? So tonight I decided to change the template to...ANOTHER TEMPLATE!

* fanfare *

Yeah, not as exciting as expected on my end as well.

I'm leaving the country soon for a bit of a vacation, so I need to finish up my outstanding reviews quickly since this will be a --gasp!-- VACATION WITHOUT SECKS TOYS.

You heard right, dear cricket in the corner. From here on out, it's just me and my hand for the next month and change. Good times will be had by all. By "all", I mean me. Sort of.

In other news, I'm starting to become something of a make-up junkie. What's up with that? I swear I was saving up my money to buy my zombie fortress island (fortress against zombies, not for), but now I'm spending it on weird things like primer and brushes that aren't for my teeth or hair. Speaking of which, I need a new hairbrush. My current one has been broken for over a year now.

Yup, it's time to write this review! I am pumped! I will succeed! I will not give up in the middle and look at Food Porn! I will not be distracted by my empty stomach! It is a new day (no, really, it's tomorrow already)!

Ok, ok, getting on with it.

In the name of all that is pink and frilly--I will punish you!

My favorite online sex shop recently added a few shiny new corsets to their product line-up, including this one:

Holy ribbons and lace galore, Sailor Moon!

I wanted to get it, but I kept going back and forth on it. Would it be practical? Where would I wear it to, besides in the transition between blogging diligently (cough cough) in a corset to being ravished on a cat hair-covered bed by an enthusiastic boyfriend? I showed my roommate, who is surprisingly tolerant and supportive of my Eden Fantasys habit. She communicated to me through a series of squeals and pointing that I should definitely get this corset and then wear it for her.

I love my roommate.

A few days later, my Stretch lace corset, by Coquette, arrived. Like all other lingerie items I have received from Eden Fantasys, this cute corset came neatly wrapped in pink tissue paper. I tried to save the tissue paper as much as I could while removing the scotch tape (frugal family habit?) but I was a little too excited about the corset itself really make too much of a salvation effort.

The corset comes "fully assembled"--the two shoulder straps and four garter straps are attached. All six of these straps are removable if you like the strapless look better, or if you want to wear your corset with jeans or a skirt and the garter straps are just getting in the way. The product care tag is also easily removable since it is attached to a golden safety pin through which a tiny loop of ribbon on the inside of the corset is threaded. This is a huge improvement over previous Coquette care tags that I have seen, which were simply attached to plastic loops punched through the piece itself. I think I would have cried if they had used that same method on all that pretty lace.

As you can see, three very pretty solid pink bows decorate the front of the corset. One lies right in the middle of the chest, ala Sailor Moon, while the other two share the spotlight right above the three inches (rough guestimate) of black ruffles. Some others have complained that three bows is two too many. I beg to differ. If you take away those two cute bows on the bottom, the whole corset becomes very plain. If you want to be cute, you've gotta go all the way!

There is no underwire in the cups, which actually makes it much more comfortable for me to wear while still providing me with a bit of support. As you can see, however, my boobage is pretty tiny, requiring minimal support. If your boobies are larger than mine, you may actually get some decent cleavage going on with this corset, but I'm not sure if you'll get enough support out of it.

There are nine plastic bones in all, five in the front and four in the back. Each bone is covered with black lace through which a thin pink ribbon is threaded. The same design lines the top of the bust. It's the perfect way to draw the eye to the slimming contours created by the lines. I was a little worried because one of the ribbons seemed a little too long or too loose for the lace it was threaded through. It "bagged out" a little at the bottom. I fixed the problem by gently tugging on sections of it throughout the length of the bone so that the extra length was less obvious.

And of course--the lace! Jeezus H Christopher Columbus! THE LACE. It's pink floral lace overlaid on a black background and it's just--GUH. I thank my lucky stars that it wasn't sparkly lace, or my head might have exploded. I can't say anything about it that can't be said by the photos. It's very pretty and it's well executed. No unevenness that I could tell. A small black ruffle decorates the top of the bust, but doesn't go all the way around the back. The thicker ruffles that line the bottom do.

I regret that the garter straps and shoulder straps are not pictured fully here. I'll have that fixed next week. As mentioned before, all six are removable by simply unhooking them from the fabric loop they are attached to, the same way you might remove the straps from a convertible bra. All six straps are adjustable to a sufficient enough degree that if you can fit into the corset, you should be able to find the strap length that suits your body type. The garter clips were of the slide-the-nub-into-the-metal-catch variety, rather than the possibly simpler clamp-style clips. I've never used these contraptions before, so I was pretty confused about how to attach them to my thigh highs. The boyfriend insisted that I needed special thigh highs with special loops for garter straps, but after watching a Youtube video, I understood that you just slide the stocking between the nub and the catch and slide the nub into place. The only reason it didn't work for me that evening is that the only stocking I have are elastic top, which is a mite too thick for the garter clips to work. From what I could experiment with, the clips themselves were sturdy enough, and are covered from plain view by an extension of black ribbon.

Ah, the back. The one and only thing I didn't like about this corset. Hence the black and white. To signify troubling times ahead.

If the universe were perfect, this corset would have had a lovely lace-up back. However, the folks at Coquette probably decided that it already had too much ribbon (psh! no such thing!) and so went with a hook-and-eye closure instead. Unfortunately, this means that the corset is much less adjustable size-wise than if it had, say, a ribbon lace-up back.

The hook and eye closures run the length of the back with two sets of hooks. I ordered a size small, so according to the size chart, the smaller setting will most likely fit those with band size 34 and waist size 26" and the larger should be squeeze-innable for band size 36 and waist size 28". Unfortunately, I am just a teeny tiny inch larger than the advised size range for waist.

So why didn't I ask for a medium? Because I have two other pieces of lingerie by Coquette, and while mediums fit my waist and hips a little better, medium pieces with defined busts tend to look goofy on me, as if they're designed for my size torso plus larger breasts. So it was either look ridiculous but feel comfortable or look attractive but feel like the stuffing was being squeezed out of me. Lesser of two evils?

Being nearly too large for the corset meant that doing up the hook and eye clasps by myself was a near-impossible feat. I had to go through a full set of yoga stretches (mild exaggeration) just to warm up my arms to the point where they were flexible enough to get all of the clasps done. It took me about twenty minutes and a lot of pain. The next time I put it on, I had the boyfriend to help me and it only took two minutes. The lesson here? I've totally been taking my boyfriend for granted.

Once on, the corset isn't exactly something so comfortable you would want to lounge around in it all day. I wouldn't want to be wearing it for more than an hour, tops. And eating in it? Forget it! I'd be way too worried about getting food on it, never mind how impossible it would be to put any food in my stomach with that amount of cute wrapped around me. If you do get it dirty, however, I would recommend gently hand-washing it in cold water and laying flat to dry. No bleach!

Despite the mild discomfort that comes with wearing this corset for longer periods of time, I still absolutely love it. It's ridiculously pretty and cute and I'm a fan of how I look in it. I'll probably wear it this Halloween paired with my home-made pink kitty ears.

                       

$72.99Stretch lace corset Corset by Coquette Material: Lace / Mesh / Satin Buy from EdenFantasys

This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

Sex Food for Thought

Let's get one thing straight: Best Sex Writing 2010, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and published by Cleis Press, is not a collection of erotica. You can blow out the candles and take the batteries out of your bullet, because this isn't exactly literature you can get off to. Instead, this kind of sex writing is the kind that makes you think.

According to Bussel, Best Sex Writing 2010's theme is that of being a sexual outlaw; it's about unconventional sex and why it's fine to reject the norms. Each of the 25 short essays in this book offers interesting insight. The writing quality is very good throughout the book, allowing the reader to truly appreciate the content offered without stumbling over awkward phrasing or dry passages.

The essays are so varied in style and theme that I am sure any reader will find at least one essay that they really enjoy, that will make them think about the topic discussed long after the essay has been read. The three essays that really stuck with me are "Secrets of the Phallus: Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?", "BDSM and Playing with Race", and "Toward a Performance Model of Sex".

In "Secrets of the Phallus", Jesse Bering discusses reasons for the shape of the human phallus. It smacks of Rudyard Kipling's "Just So" stories, and I couldn't help but imagine a story entitled "How the Human Penis Got Its Shape". It was entertaining and informational; the next time I see my boyfriend's penis I will appreciate it that much more, knowing how it theoretically came to be.

Mollena Williams's "BDSM and Playing with Race" is a shade darker. In it, Williams recounts her experiences as an African-American woman who engages in race-play. To be honest, I was very uneasy when reading this piece, though by the end of the essay, Williams sufficiently explains and defends her choice. This is the essay that will probably stick in my memory the longest, simply because it is so disturbing.

"Toward a Performance Model of Sex", by Thomas MacAulay Millar is my favorite. My boyfriend, who also read this book, disliked the format so much that he couldn't even finish the essay, which is a pity. I myself gave up on it the first time I tried to read it--it's the only essay in the collection with actual citations, and that was overwhelming in a book full of otherwise "easy" reads. I ended up reading it in its entirety after I had finished the other essays, and was glad that I had given it a second chance. "Toward a Performance Model of Sex" compares two views of sex: the Commodity Model, which Millar claims is the popular Western view, and the Performance Model, which is the view that Millar encourages readers to take. To any and all who chance to pick up Best Sex Writing 2010, if you only have time to read one essay, read this one. It may take a little more time to get used to the format, but it's worth it.

The other essays cover topics such as safe sex practices, the problem with abstinence-only sex-ed, labiaplasty, pubic hair in the past and present, Twilight, sex surrogates... With so many flavors to sample, you're bound to find something exciting. And I don't mean erotica exciting; I mean tingle-in-your-brainpan exciting.

I find myself bringing up Best Sex Writing 2010 in conversation a lot. There's a relevant essay for nearly every sex-related topic I discuss with my friends. As a result of my constant mention of the book and occasional reading from it, there are currently a handful of people on the waiting list to borrow my copy of the book. So grab a copy just for you, or for sharing with your significant other(s) or friends. Or get everyone their own copy. I know I will be reading and re-reading this book for some time to come.

This book and Best Fetish Erotica are featured by the SexIs Book Club this month. Go check 'em out!

$0.00Best Sex Writing 2010 Book by Various Authors Format: Paperback Publisher: Cleis Press Inc. Buy from EdenFantasys

Big Ol' Tease

I can't tell you what I found so attractive about the CalEx 10-function C-teaser. Maybe it was its bubble-gum pink color. Maybe it was its safer-than-jelly TPR material. Maybe it was because it'd been too long since I'd had a real bullet (unless you count the Bnaughty Deluxe, which was a little too couture to be called a bullet, if you ask me; more like "pleasure bean"). On top of that, it was waterproof. How could a college student living in a cramped dorm with nosy neighbors possibly turn down a waterproof vibrating toy? Death first!

Whatever the reason for the initial attraction, it wore off ten minutes after I'd popped into the shower with my new C-teaser.

I can only assume its intended position of use is with the flat, thick portion of the pink sleeve cupping the labia. It would make the most sense for the tip of the triangle to be tucked against the clitoris, since the vibrations are strongest there. However, the cord comes out of the opposite end of the sleeve, making this a slightly awkward position since the cord must double over itself unless you trail the cord behind and around you (which, in my opinion, is even more awkward).

I played along with the toy's design, doubling the cord back so I could wedge the pink triangle between my thighs. It didn't feel quite at home there, in part due to the thickness of the sleeve, but mostly due to that silly cord. The vibrations were felt, but they were somewhat dampened due to the sleeve, and all I could feel was a trembly buzz tapping against my labia. Well, that's disappointing. I scrolled through all ten functions, which included three levels of steady vibration and various pulsation and escalation patterns. Even on the highest setting, I wasn't getting much through the sleeve, and my clit, completely discouraged by the hunk of TPR in its face, was unresponsive.

I then tried holding the C-teaser's wider end in my hand and using the point of the triangle to directly target my clit. This was not unlike using a handheld mouse to click on my favorite link (over and over and over again). This was very satisfactory, since the vibrations were concentrated in this part of the toy like no other. The strong, pinpoint vibrations gave me what I needed to finish. At the end of a frustrating first-date with the C-teaser, I was sated and happy and decided that I had myself a new shower time buddy.

As I came out of the shower and dried myself and the toy off, I noticed that moisture seemed to have snuck inside the sleeve, where it sandwiched itself between TPR and the bullet. In order for the toy to dry properly, I would have to remove the sleeve from the bullet and let both air out. Otherwise, the moisture would stay trapped in there and possibly foster microbial growth. I spent the next five minutes wrestling with the sleeve, trying to get it to let go of the bullet. The problem wasn't suction, it was simply that the sleeve's hole is really only big enough for the cord. I had to pry the opening wide enough with my thumbs to push the bullet out from behind the sleeve with my fingers. When it finally came loose, I inspected the sleeve for damage. Ah, there it was: a definite tear right along the seam of the sleeve. And, even worse, I realized that now that the bullet was out, there was really no way of pushing it back in without harming the sleeve further.

Now, I simply use the bullet on its own, and it does not disappoint. The vibrations are what some may call "buzzy", but they are strong and work fine for me. It's not whisper quiet, but it's virtually silent through a closed door and completely undetectable over a shower.

The battery compartment, which takes two AA batteries, is at the very least splashproof, thanks to a slim rubber ring around the base of the cap threads. The cord connecting the controller to the battery is insulated from moisture on both ends as well. I wouldn't recommend submerging this toy, but a shower romp should be fine.

If you should come into the possession of a C-teaser, I strongly recommend that you not take it into any aqueous environment unless you only want the bullet and could care less about the sleeve. Moisture will almost certainly be trapped inside the sleeve and you will need to remove it in order to dry things out. This may very well lead to your sleeve tearing like mine.

Assuming that you keep your C-teaser in one piece, you can clean it with soap and water, but seeing how easily moisture wanders inside the sleeve, I'd recommend using a cloth to wipe it down instead. Toy cleaner or toy wipes can also be used. If, like me, you wrecked the sleeve and only have the bullet left, all of the above still apply, but you won't need to worry about wiping it with a cloth instead of just rinsing it. This sleeve is made of TPR, so either water or silicone based lubricants can be used with it.

The C-teaser is not available for purchase yet at this sex toy store I trust, which sponsored this review. However, a plethora of other toys, vibratey or not, totally are. I suggest you go check it out.

10 Function C-teaser Clitoral vibrator by California Exotic Material: TPR (Thermoplastic Rubber) Safety: $0.00 Buy from EdenFantasys
Rating:	Vroom:	Bee:
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

ugh.

no. seriously. you piss me off. stoppit.

not YOU. the other one. yeah, that smug bastard. I hate him.

him, too.

* stomps off to dig an acid vat *

/whine